4 ways to find greater ease when things feel painful.

When we run up against difficult emotions, one of the places I find that people get most tripped up is expecting that there is a certain way that one should feel. And, taking this further, that often translates into “There’s something wrong with me that I’m feeling/or not feeling this way or that.”

All too often, I’ve had patients cry in my office and apologize for doing so (as if crying is bad, a sign of weakness or something to be avoided).

I’ve had patients who recently lost a loved one say, “What’s wrong with me that I’m falling apart” (as if somehow, we are supposed to perfectly hold it all together — i.e., not weep or sob or feel overwhelmed — after our world as we know it crumbles).

Difficult emotions are hard enough on their own. Too often, we add self-judgement on top of this.

Additionally, we are wired to avoid pain. Through evolution, there was survival value in avoiding physical pain (think being bitten by a poisonous snake or being attacked by a predator), but in our modern lives, this evolutionary wiring carries over to our human tendency to avoid our emotional pain.

While many people are familiar with the five stages of grief (as written about by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross): denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, it is important to recognize that, in fact, there is no empirical validity for this as a stage theory to explain the grief process. An article in 2017 goes so far as to warn health care professionals and those who are bereaved that there are even dangers of using this as a guide. The authors write: “Most disturbingly, the expectation that bereaved persons will, even should, go through stages of grieving can be harmful to those who do not”.

We all have our own way of processing grief and other difficult emotions. Importantly, grief is not linear.

After my dad’s recent passing, some of the best advice my stepmom received was from another woman who had recently lost her husband. She said, “Forget the stages of grief. You will feel things in waves. You will likely be all over the place, experiencing a whole range of emotions that swing from one extreme to another in no particular, predictable way. Let yourself feel what you feel and know that however it presents is OK”.

One of the gifts of mindfulness practice for me has been learning how to hold a space for all my emotions – the good, bad and the ugly – meeting each one as the poet Rumi suggests, as a guest being welcomed and invited in. Somehow learning to meet and greet my emotions in this way gives the message that my feelings are OK as they are. They don’t need to be fixed or changed. I am not broken or flawed. I am having a human experience. And in doing so, in meeting the rawness of what is here, I am also opening up to life.

In the difficult moments when I can say to myself, and to the parts of myself that are holding intense feelings – “I see you, I hear you, I’m with you” – something eases just a bit. There is more spaciousness. Something in me relaxes.

But how do we turn toward and be present with difficult emotions that can be quite intense at times and sometimes feel overwhelming? Having ways of working with them can be important.

Working With Difficult Emotions

Here are some things I’ve found helpful, personally and professionally, as shared in my book You Don’t Have to Change to Change Everything.

1. Take an anchor view. Like a ship at sea that is safely anchored and thus will not get swept away by intense storms, we can learn to anchor our nervous system to find more balance and stability during challenging times. We can practice allowing our emotions to be present while also inviting in “cues of safety” for our nervous system to be soothed. Some ways of doing this include:

• Slow and regulate your breathing, especially slowing down your exhalation and making it longer than your inhalation when you are feeling activated. Increasing or emphasize a deeper inhalation when you are feeling immobilized or have low energy.
• Engage in activities that bring your awareness as fully as possible to your senses (what you can see, hear, touch, taste or smell). This helps bring one’s mind into the present moment and not be carried away into the future “what ifs” that often add to overwhelm.
• Use your imagination to comfort you. Imagine being in a place that evokes a feeling of serenity, peace or calm. (Or go to such a place if you are able!) Even a few minutes of doing this can help to then better face whatever challenges are at hand.

2. Take a compassionate parent view. Like a compassionate parent comforting a child in distress, we can learn to self-soothe through self-compassion (whether or not we had a compassionate parent as a role model).

Some questions to ask oneself include:

• What do I need right now? (Is it reaching out to someone, some solitude, a walk, listening to music, or something else?) What will feel nurturing in this difficult moment?
• How might I speak to myself in the second person, as if I am speaking to a good friend (e.g., “Hey Beth, I can see you are feeling a lot of pain right now and that’s understandable given what you’re going through; all your feelings are welcome here”).

3. Take an audience view. Recognize the narratives that come along with your emotions and treat these stories as actors on a stage that you can see from the vantage point of the audience. Rather than being swallowed up in the drama, when we locate ourselves in the audience, there is more space and distance between us and our thoughts. This helps to loosen the grip of unhelpful thoughts such as:

• I’ll always be alone.
• I’m not lovable.
• I’m being punished for something I did.
• I’m weak for feeling this way.

4. Take an ocean view. Often, we can feel isolated and alone in our difficulties. We feel like we are the wave and forget that we are part of an interconnected ocean. When we can find ways to connect with others, receive or give support to others, or do something that connects us to the larger world, this can help our difficult emotions feel more tolerable.

Consider:

• Who might support you? Who might you reach out to by phone, text or otherwise?
• What activities bring you into connection with others?
• What things do you do that give you a feeling of meaning or purpose?
• Picture yourself surrounded by a circle of care (of friends, family, pets, mentors, spiritual leaders, nature, people who inspire you, etc.) and feel this care with you in your heart, even if these people are not physically present.

There is no “right way” to experience difficult emotions, but when we practice ways to meet and greet these unpleasant visitors, they become more bearable to navigate through.