Personal Perspective: How “this too” can transform sadness and grief.

I’ve had a lot of time for reflection in my long car rides back and forth to CT to visit my dad over these recent months, as his health has declined precipitously. I’ve been struck by the very physical impact of sadness and loss. It has not only shown up as a felt sense in my body (e.g., heaviness in my heart, sinking at times in the pit of my stomach), but has consumed a good amount of energy and mental/emotional space (fatigue at times, difficulty concentrating, exhaustion for no apparent reason). I have been blessed to share nearly sixty years with my dad, and he has been blessed with a long and vibrant life. Still, there is profound sadness and grief at the end of life that is unavoidable, palpable, and sometimes overwhelming.

“This Too”

What I have found helpful through all of this are two powerful words that I discovered on one of my daily morning walks up and down our street as I watched the sun peaking its rays out from behind the trees. “This too.” On this particular walk, I was filled with enormous heaviness and sadness, and yet the sun was rising yet again. “This too”, I said to myself. Alongside the sadness, there is this magnificent sun that returns again and again, this constant reminder of being part of something much larger, something transcendent and expansive.

“This too,” I said to myself as I thought about the text I had received earlier that morning from a friend reaching out to let me know she was thinking of me. Alongside the sadness was suddenly a feeling of care and being cared for that was awakened and that nourished me.

“This too” — the beauty of my neighbor’s yard in full bloom from all their landscaping efforts. And this too — a ripe tomato dangling from the proud and tall tomato plant my husband has so diligently attended to — a reminder of nature continuing its cycle of growth.

“This too,” I whispered another time to myself at the hospital, when my father, mostly unable to talk, found the strength to thank the nurses repeatedly with a genuine appreciation, which so deeply reflected the values he has always lived his life by.

When we come up against uncomfortable emotions of any kind, it is common (and human) to want to resist them, to want to make them go away, get rid of them or suppress them. Our human nature has hardwired this tendency in us to seek what is pleasant and avoid what is painful to help our survival through evolution. While there was survival value for our Stone Age ancestors in avoiding things that would cause external pain (e.g., being bitten by a tiger), we modern humans tend to avoid things that will cause us internal pain (e.g., our painful feelings). This strategy doesn’t work so well when it comes to our emotions. Psychological research demonstrates that resisting our emotions over the long haul can cause increased psychological suffering.

Changing the Equation

That’s where the idea of additions versus subtraction comes in. Rather than trying to get rid of, subtract or push away what is unpleasant, we can consider what it is that we can add into the equation, to sit side-by-side with whatever difficult emotions are already here. I think of it like inviting care, acceptance, or gratitude to put an arm around our unpleasant emotions and say, “I’m here with you, you’re not alone.”

When we add acceptance to loss there is less resistance, more ease.

When we add care or compassion to sadness there is comfort.

When we add gratitude to frustration, fear, or anger (finding something small we can feel genuinely grateful for while also honoring all our other emotions) there is more energy to meet our challenges at hand.

For me, currently, there is fear, uncertainty and sadness, and there is gratitude for the wonderful years I have had with my dad, and the special moments with him still being in his presence. This too.

“This too” becomes a helpful way to add to the equation so we are not stuck in despair, hopelessness, or anxiety. When we connect with inner qualities such as acceptance, care, gratitude, equanimity, courage, or self-compassion we meet ourselves where we are and we cultivate more renewing emotions. What I have found, for myself and my patients, is that there is often a kind of emotional alchemy that occurs when we do this. Sometimes it is subtle, like just feeling my shoulders drop a bit or being able to take a deeper breath. The power of these small shifts can make a difference when it comes to our capacity to cope with hard things.

Importantly, “this too,” with its focus on renewing emotions, can change what is happening in our nervous system, tipping us toward greater inner balance and regulation. Research from the HeartMath Institute shows that depleting emotions and renewing emotions trigger different biochemical changes in our body, affect our heart rhythms, and shift the activation of our sympathetic versus parasympathetic nervous systems. Renewing emotions not only create more inner harmony in our nervous system and release a cascade of more than 1400 biochemical reactions, they also improve mental clarity, cognitive functioning, decision making, intuitive guidance, problem-solving, peak performance, and responsiveness to life’s challenges. Being able to have access to these inner resources when things get tough is immensely helpful for our resilience and well-being.